Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Hi there

How are you? Good, I hope.
Just thought I'd drop in a quick post to let you know I am still out here. :)
I'm hoping that my coffee kicks in soon, because I am barely keeping my eyes open today.

Lately I have been tired a lot. I think it is simply the non stop, race track of a life I have these days. I keep thinking that football doesn't last forever. And the games are fun. I'm meeting lots of new people. I'm catching up with a lot of people from back in high school. So there is some good intermingled with all the exhaustion. ;) As of right now, Josh's team remains winless, and Jo's team remains undefeated. It's nice just to see them play.

We did get out to our area festival last weekend, and I got some fun pictures of the hot air balloons going up:

I am still reading every chance I get. Have read some great books lately. I'm a fast reader, and it helps pass the time while waiting for football practice to let out. I've also been taking my Tazzy with me to practices. He loves the attention he gets, and I get to spend more time with him. I'm not home nearly enough, so my portable pup rides along.

"Are we there yet?"

I finally got out to visit my friend, Sheila, and see the house she bought...and moved in to back in July. It's about a 45 minute drive for me. I spent about three hours with her Sunday, which was the most we've seen each other in months. The Browns (Robert's team) played the Bengals (my team) on Sunday, and I decided to make myself scarce. The Browns triumphed, but Robert gets all worked up during these games, so I like to find somewhere else to be. That way he can grump at the t.v. in peace. :) Sheila has two new additions to her family:

Nicky, who was dropped off in the country not far from Sheila. She's about 6 months old. She's a sweetie! It's speculated that she is a Border Collie/Cocker Spaniel mix.

And Houston, a 2 year old Red Doberman that her friend gave her when she moved in to an apartment. Sheila has five acres for him to explore. He's big and intimidating looking, but sweet as can be. Still puppyish. He's all played out in this pic, so he found a sunny spot to snooze.

Bipsy and I head out to Tennessee again this weekend. We'll leave Sunday morning and come back Monday evening this time. We won't be staying quite as long this trip. I am happy that I won't miss Jo's game Saturday, so it's good timing. I think I will enjoy getting away for those two days, even if we won't get as much sight seeing in. This week at work will be hectic, getting the finishing touches on the training materials.

Nothing else to report, really. Jess is doing well, and not currently playing any sports. She spends most of her time these days fussing with her hair and watching dvds or talking with her friends online. Yesterday she was on burnout and decided to read. Oh, to be young again. So few responsibilities, so much free time. :)

Well, that's about it on my end. Hope this post finds you blessed! Hugs!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Crying Chair

You sat, broken, there
in your antique rocking chair
bitter tears spilling everywhere

You cried for lost children
for lost women and men
We all cried daily, over them

You remembered the day
like so many your age
when they took your heart away

You couldn't sleep
you couldn't eat
you could only taste defeat

You wouldn't hear me
say, "please, turn off the t.v."
If it were only quite so easy

You withered, went cold inside
the last of your innocence died
left, untouched, was our pride

You could not forget, nor could we
then you became part of the tragedy
you began to slip away, gradually

You now have your name saved
upon the back of your husband's grave
etched with many of our nation's brave

You are at rest while we go on
clinging to what we've built upon
Like all those lost, you will never be gone.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Trading Diplomacy for Honesty

If this is my place to vent and rejoice, I'm going to dump this negative rant here, and get it out of my heart.

It's popular lately to do "clean sweeps" of our homes. To throw out, sell, and organize stuff that's been junking up our closets and corners, leaving no room for us to live.

So that's what I'm doing with my soul. I'm de-cluttering it.

There are some people in life that are soul-sucking vampires, who prey on our kindness, our honesty, our innocence, our well meaning outreaching. They take a kind-hearted, naive individual, and manipulate them into giving, giving, giving....until they use them up and toss them out. They don't care about the carnage they leave behind, because they only have their own personal gain in mind.

Sometimes, co-dependent people (lots of them women) get strung along, year after year, month after month. These codependent folks think that they will achieve happiness one day, if they can change the person they care about. If the codependent can turn this...wayward person into a functioning adult, they win the ultimate prize: true happiness.

"Then, and only then, will they see how wonderful we are, and then they will make us a priority! They will honor us, like they neglected to do for so long! They will hold us in high esteem and appreciate us! They will think about us, cherish us, nurture us, just as we have them! They will meet our needs, just as we have attempted to meet theirs! Then, and only then, will our lives be complete and fulfilling!"

The truth is, the person won't change, and the whole process will leave the c/d person exhausted, unsatisfied, feeling like a failure.

My life has been an open-shut case of co-dependency. From my childhood relationships right on in to my adult ones.

As I've gotten older, I've recognized my tendency to be co-dependent, and I've made healthier choices. I've revised my behavior in some of my relationships that were worth salvaging (Robert and the kids and some friends) and I've released some of the people in my life who were not true friends. That's never easy to do, and sometimes I find myself slipping back in to old behaviors.

I have to shake myself up and say, "Quit! STOP IT! You were not put on this earth to make sure this person never has a bad day! Let them be angry! It's not your fault!" Other times, I mess up and get all bent out of shape, and finally find the strength to right myself.

I've fought long and hard to make some relationships work that should have never been a part of my life. I've been stubborn, trying long after Elvis had left the building, for lack of a better way of putting it.

One major example is my relationship with my dad. But there are other examples.

Part of the process of "clean sweeping my soul" is recognizing that I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm tired of being angry. Once I do that, I can move on. I can forgive, but first I have to understand....put my finger on...just why I'm so angry.

I haven't been living for awhile. I'm tired, deep down in my soul. I have been so bogged down that it becomes increasingly difficult to function. I get depressed, I go deep within myself, and finally, finally, finally I recognized the pattern.

I'm letting go, and purging. I'm going out to the door step of my soul, and I'm tossing years of clutter in to the front yard. I'm taking the broom, and I'm sweeping the floor clean. The neighbors might see it and say, "Is she crazy? What is she doing?"

What am I doing? I'm flinging out the anger and the resentment and the disappointment and the hurt, for all the world to see! Out it goes! Here's the face of the anger, and I will entertain it no longer! It is ugly, it isn't nice, but it is as real as it gets. I will be rid of it.

And I will be free.

What the anger looks like:

What I hate about you:

You think you are a superior being.
You are manipulative.
You are passive/aggressive.
You are a liar.
You are phony.
You think you can "fix" everything and everyone, but the truth is, you need someone to fix you.
You pretend to care, but you are a totally apathetic individual.
You are controlling.
You are obsessive/compulsive.
You are hard hearted.
You are argumentative.
You are condescending.
You only do what benefits you.
You think you are better at everything than you are.
You think you can do no wrong.
You are judgmental.
You pretend to be open minded, but you are one of the most close minded people on earth.
You think your way is the only right way.
You think you have superior intellect.
You think you can get your way about any and everything.

The truth is:

You're just a scared child.
You have no reason to think you're better than anyone.
You're stuck just like everyone else and can't see it.
You are only fooling yourself.
You aren't as perfect as you think you are.
You would see the truth if you stopped lying to yourself.
You might get close to people if you stopped hiding behind your smoke screens.
You don't have it together like you think you do and everyone around you can see it.
Your way simply has you painted in to a corner, and as long as the corner seems tidy and neat and unobtrusive, you'll stay there, never moving from that one spot.
You tell lies then forget what you've said and contradict yourself later.
You really don't have much of a personality at all.
You could probably depress a person to death if they listened to you for long.
You have very little at all going for you...and deep down, you know that.
You have yourself elevated on this high horse in your mind, but no one respects you and very few people like you.
Your success-what little you have in the grand scheme of things--came from riding on the coat tails of others.
You've accomplished very little on your own.
Your "amazing" relationships are based on lies and deceit.
You are not in control of the world around you like you think you are.
You are one slip away from the house of cards you've stacked falling down and you're too blind to see it.
You've spent so much of your life in an attempt to be "safe," but you are at risk of losing your very soul.
You are in control of your own circumstances in life, but no one except you would ever want to live your pathetic life.
You couldn't handle it if some things came along to shake up your master plan.
You don't realize that at first I felt sorry for you because of how people treated you, but now I realize that they have all finally gotten tired of you, too. Eventually everyone will.
You must see that there are many billboards on the highway of your life that scream "I'm out of control."
You don't know....and may never know.... what real love is.
You will keep on fooling yourself until you've lost everyone and everything.

What I like About You:
I'll have to get back with you on that.

Whew! I feel better now! ;)

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


The key to good writing is to organize one's thoughts. At least, in my mind, that's how I see it. There has to be some truth to that statement. Otherwise, if we wrote how we thought, our randomness would seem manic, rambling, and would not be cohesive. Without explanation, such writing would either a.) cause the reader to lose interest b.) generate alarm on the part of the reader.

But I feel so random in my thinking right now. I'm finding it difficult to put my thoughts into any semblance of order.

I can't finish a thought before another jumps in, demanding priority.

But if I wrote how I feel, this is what it would sound like:

"Boy, my back hurts. I really overdid it this weekend. But it was nice to get so much accomplished. My neck hurts, too. Who knew painting a ceiling could use so many muscles?

I'm glad I settled on antique white. The walls look so much better. Who in the world paints in flat paint? Really? I know they didn't have any kids home at the time, but they had cats. Flat paint? So impractical.

I really need to double check my account....two days till payday. Wonder how much gas I'll need to make it until then? At least the kids' lunch money is set for the week.

I wonder who is taking Jo to practice tonight? I probably should. I sure don't think I can handle any extra housecleaning tonight. Not with my back so sore. I can't paint, really, until I get more paint. Need to write down the exact brand and color and number. Found that extra paint brush, so I'm good on brushes.

Maybe if I take Jo, I'll get to read some while I'm there. Which book? I'm reading two right now, but I hate that. I should finish one, then the other. Otherwise it's just too confusing.

I need to mention to Robert that the extra drywall is really going to come in handy. If we can get that leak in the bathroom taken care of, then putting in flooring and drywall will be no problem. We really need to get that done.

I'm thinking I can squeeze the storm door in to the budget this week. We really need it. I do want to make the car payment next week. I want to be early on that for sure, since it's the very first payment. I'm pretty sure the outside spicket can wait. I mean, we'll be turning that off for the winter, anyway. The furnace and oven....can't really wait on those.

Too bad I couldn't find the time to order that Chinese. It sounded really good for lunch. Where did the time go? How did it get to be 11:30 so soon? And now it's already 1:30! That is a four day work week, typically. Never caught up.

That's so awesome that Robert won the perfect attendance drawing. And what he said, "I've been blessed." It was neat how he said that. And then he said, "I was just wondering about gas for the week, and then I get this money. It was a blessing, no other way to look at it. I didn't realize the van was so low on gas." It was nice of him to think about picking me up lunch. If only I could have gotten away to order it. I should program their number in to his phone. I have it memorized.

I could take a nap. In fact, I could sleep for a week. But when couldn't I? A week of lounging in bed sounds like a dream vacation for me. Ugh, last time I thought that way, I had surgery. Nah. I'd settle for a nice, cozy nap.

One of these days I'm going to have a really nice, tall bed with a mattress about two feet thick. I'm going to get the biggest, most expensive comforter, and I'm going to snuggle down in it and not come out for days on end. Sigh. Like the "Princess and the Pea," but without the pea or the royalty part. I really am sick of substandard beds.

I need to get over there and check out Pat's vacation photos.

Wow, I'm still amazed at how physical soccer is. I think that might be the first soccer game I've ever gone to. Wait. No. There was that semi-pro team we saw once when we used to go to the church of the guy that owned that team. But I don't remember it being quite as physical. Or maybe it was just because Jon was playing. He's like a son to me, really, and I didn't want to see him hurt. It must hurt when they hit the ball off their head. Eek. I can tell that his mom was nervous, too.

Wheh. I have so much to do. I soooo should not be blogging. But I never do anymore. I'm going to forget how sooner or later.

It is so cold in here that it is hard to type. My fingers don't want to work. I really should turn the air down a bit. I wonder what it's like outside?

My stomach is being stupid today. Why does it always act up after a long weekend? It's like it fouls up its routine.

I really, really don't want to be here.

Should I take an ibuprofen? I know it would help, but would it get my stomach started up again? Don't need that. It was probably the deviled eggs. Sometimes eggs just mess my stomach up.

Wonder what Leah is up to today?

Denise looked great in her picture! So did Holli!

Wonder if Sabu will make it? I've tried everything. He's just so thin. Wonder if the drops in his water will help? Poor little guy. Those kittens and the puppy pictures on Denise's blog were so cute.

I still can't believe Gideon did that. Serves Tiga right. Smart dog, flipping his water over on the cat. He knows he can't bite him, but he still had his revenge. Why does Tiga always have to pick with the dogs? He's such a bully.

I'm making so many mistakes typing. My fingers are too cold to function. I need to bring in some wool gloves. Why do they have to keep it so cold in the summertime and hot in the winter time? Makes no sense.

I want to go lay down on the couch, but there's so much to do.

I wonder if Jess turned in her forms today? If not, she's going to get demerits. What is going through that girl's head sometimes? They remind her every day. So her momma.

Gosh, my neck really hurts. Maybe I will take an ibuprofen......maybe not. I think I can make it through if I just rub the soreness out.

Wonder what's up with Josh and T.J.? I should email Jennifer if I can get time.

What is he sighing for? He can't possibly be stressed! He doesn't do anything around here. Such a jerk. Why doesn't he retire?

Thank God for lip gloss. My lips are so dry. This stuff from Bath and Body Works is great. Even if it is for kids.

I'm glad Jo got his math done last night. I can't believe it's been so long since I've done subtraction problems like that. The calculator really has spoiled me. When he gets to Algebra, I'm doomed. Unless Josh and Jess are around to help him.

Man, I have so many schedule changes to make. The orders are piling up. I gotta get these done. Plus two shipments. The shipping hasn't been heavy today. But I've still been crazy busy. One thing after another. Didn't even get the mail opened. The phone has been ringing like crazy.

Gotta get to it, before I get buried in this paperwork.

My neck is feeling a little better.

Cottage cheese for lunch, how boring. At least I had some here.

I love three day weekends, but I hate four day work weeks. What a pain."

That's my mind, in the span of about ten minutes.

It's never much quieter. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Hope your Tuesday is going well. Thanks for stopping by and tolerating my random thoughts. ;)