Friday, September 7, 2007

Trading Diplomacy for Honesty

If this is my place to vent and rejoice, I'm going to dump this negative rant here, and get it out of my heart.

It's popular lately to do "clean sweeps" of our homes. To throw out, sell, and organize stuff that's been junking up our closets and corners, leaving no room for us to live.

So that's what I'm doing with my soul. I'm de-cluttering it.

There are some people in life that are soul-sucking vampires, who prey on our kindness, our honesty, our innocence, our well meaning outreaching. They take a kind-hearted, naive individual, and manipulate them into giving, giving, giving....until they use them up and toss them out. They don't care about the carnage they leave behind, because they only have their own personal gain in mind.

Sometimes, co-dependent people (lots of them women) get strung along, year after year, month after month. These codependent folks think that they will achieve happiness one day, if they can change the person they care about. If the codependent can turn this...wayward person into a functioning adult, they win the ultimate prize: true happiness.

"Then, and only then, will they see how wonderful we are, and then they will make us a priority! They will honor us, like they neglected to do for so long! They will hold us in high esteem and appreciate us! They will think about us, cherish us, nurture us, just as we have them! They will meet our needs, just as we have attempted to meet theirs! Then, and only then, will our lives be complete and fulfilling!"

The truth is, the person won't change, and the whole process will leave the c/d person exhausted, unsatisfied, feeling like a failure.

My life has been an open-shut case of co-dependency. From my childhood relationships right on in to my adult ones.

As I've gotten older, I've recognized my tendency to be co-dependent, and I've made healthier choices. I've revised my behavior in some of my relationships that were worth salvaging (Robert and the kids and some friends) and I've released some of the people in my life who were not true friends. That's never easy to do, and sometimes I find myself slipping back in to old behaviors.

I have to shake myself up and say, "Quit! STOP IT! You were not put on this earth to make sure this person never has a bad day! Let them be angry! It's not your fault!" Other times, I mess up and get all bent out of shape, and finally find the strength to right myself.

I've fought long and hard to make some relationships work that should have never been a part of my life. I've been stubborn, trying long after Elvis had left the building, for lack of a better way of putting it.

One major example is my relationship with my dad. But there are other examples.

Part of the process of "clean sweeping my soul" is recognizing that I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm tired of being angry. Once I do that, I can move on. I can forgive, but first I have to understand....put my finger on...just why I'm so angry.

I haven't been living for awhile. I'm tired, deep down in my soul. I have been so bogged down that it becomes increasingly difficult to function. I get depressed, I go deep within myself, and finally, finally, finally I recognized the pattern.

I'm letting go, and purging. I'm going out to the door step of my soul, and I'm tossing years of clutter in to the front yard. I'm taking the broom, and I'm sweeping the floor clean. The neighbors might see it and say, "Is she crazy? What is she doing?"

What am I doing? I'm flinging out the anger and the resentment and the disappointment and the hurt, for all the world to see! Out it goes! Here's the face of the anger, and I will entertain it no longer! It is ugly, it isn't nice, but it is as real as it gets. I will be rid of it.

And I will be free.

What the anger looks like:

What I hate about you:

You think you are a superior being.
You are manipulative.
You are passive/aggressive.
You are a liar.
You are phony.
You think you can "fix" everything and everyone, but the truth is, you need someone to fix you.
You pretend to care, but you are a totally apathetic individual.
You are controlling.
You are obsessive/compulsive.
You are hard hearted.
You are argumentative.
You are condescending.
You only do what benefits you.
You think you are better at everything than you are.
You think you can do no wrong.
You are judgmental.
You pretend to be open minded, but you are one of the most close minded people on earth.
You think your way is the only right way.
You think you have superior intellect.
You think you can get your way about any and everything.

The truth is:

You're just a scared child.
You have no reason to think you're better than anyone.
You're stuck just like everyone else and can't see it.
You are only fooling yourself.
You aren't as perfect as you think you are.
You would see the truth if you stopped lying to yourself.
You might get close to people if you stopped hiding behind your smoke screens.
You don't have it together like you think you do and everyone around you can see it.
Your way simply has you painted in to a corner, and as long as the corner seems tidy and neat and unobtrusive, you'll stay there, never moving from that one spot.
You tell lies then forget what you've said and contradict yourself later.
You really don't have much of a personality at all.
You could probably depress a person to death if they listened to you for long.
You have very little at all going for you...and deep down, you know that.
You have yourself elevated on this high horse in your mind, but no one respects you and very few people like you.
Your success-what little you have in the grand scheme of things--came from riding on the coat tails of others.
You've accomplished very little on your own.
Your "amazing" relationships are based on lies and deceit.
You are not in control of the world around you like you think you are.
You are one slip away from the house of cards you've stacked falling down and you're too blind to see it.
You've spent so much of your life in an attempt to be "safe," but you are at risk of losing your very soul.
You are in control of your own circumstances in life, but no one except you would ever want to live your pathetic life.
You couldn't handle it if some things came along to shake up your master plan.
You don't realize that at first I felt sorry for you because of how people treated you, but now I realize that they have all finally gotten tired of you, too. Eventually everyone will.
You must see that there are many billboards on the highway of your life that scream "I'm out of control."
You don't know....and may never know.... what real love is.
You will keep on fooling yourself until you've lost everyone and everything.

What I like About You:
I'll have to get back with you on that.

Whew! I feel better now! ;)


pat said...

Very well written, Kris. I hope you are feeling much better now. Have a great weekend.

Holli said...

Um... I would like to talk to you in person about this post. I think you need a face to vent too! I would love to be that face!
I miss you

neicybelle said... freeing! i'm thankful you wrote know i'm struggling myself and i'm so thankful for your honesty! *hugs!*