Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Sadness and Insight

Well, I am happy to report that I am feeling better today. It's strange. I have this thing that happens every now and then.

It goes something like this: I get blue, feel inexplicably sad, then I get a phone call or an email or visit from a friend who is down or depressed and needs an ear. Then it dawns on me that maybe I was feeling...without actually realizing it...the pain of my friend. Because this happened yesterday, and as soon as I talked to this friend, and once she was feeling better, I perked up.

I could go on and on about this...I could fill post after post about it...incidents that have happened in the past, dreams I've had, etc., but I'm not all that comfortable with the subject. I can't explain it, and I try not to dwell on it. Just to kind of half heartedly explain what I mean, I will give you an example:

These "feelings" can scare me, especially one time about 11 years ago. All day I had a feeling of dread. It was overwhelming. Almost to the point where I was sick to my stomach. Like pending doom. I kept praying and pacing the floor, nearly in torment. I kept telling Rob about it, and he didn't know what to think.

The day went along, and nothing unusual happened. I went to bed, still restless, and finally slept. About 2 a.m., we got a call that there had been a fire, and Rob's cousin had been killed. She was fifteen years old. We had just seen her the day before she died. In fact, for years, we lived on the same street.

What happened is this: she woke up, got her mom and dad and sisters up, got them out, and then got trapped by a beam and couldn't get out herself. The firefighters heard her screaming and couldn't get to her. The house burned to the ground. The whole family was devastated for the longest time. The community rallied together, and was indeed a blessing to the family. In fact, at the funeral, there was a line snaked around the church of her friends, fellow students and coworkers, all waiting to pay their respects.

What I will never understand is what good was my "feeling" if she still died? I may never know the answer to that. It will remain a mystery to me until the next life, I suppose.

The feeling I had that day is just one example out of the many times that these incidents have happened. The same thing happened the night before my birth mother passed away. Instead of dread, it was an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Likewise, for months before my grandparents each passed, I sensed the loss coming. I talked about it over and over to Rob, who kept trying to dismiss my feelings in order to comfort me. When grandma went into the nursing home, I kept saying, "I just feel like she's not coming home." She never did.

These events are unsettling to me. Although, I have had them be positive as well.

A friend of mine had a daughter who was told by her doctor that she wouldn't be able to have children. She had been married for quite some time, and their attempts to have children had failed. Right after learning about this sad news, I had a dream to the contrary.

I dreamed she was holding a little girl, her granddaughter. Just a few months later, this friend's daughter became pregnant. Without medical intervention. Months later, they found out via the sonogram that the baby was a boy.

My friend asked me, "What's with that? Your dream said it was a girl." I replied, "Who said the dream was foreseeing THIS pregnancy?" My friend smiled.

"They say they aren't going to have any other kids. They only want one." I said, "All I know is what I saw in the dream."

My friend's daughter had a healthy baby boy. Less than two years later, he was joined by a beautiful little sister. I think I resisted saying, "I told you so!" :) Both children have been a joy to my friend and their parents.

Anyway, what I really found interesting is reading my grandmother's side of the family's newsletter. It is sent out by our family historian, who has done extensive research over the years regarding our ancestry. Apparently, during the Salem Witch Hunt, two of our female relatives were burned at the stake for being witches due to having "the sight," or "unnatural insight." Several of the women on that side of the family have this tendency. Coincidence? I don't know. I just know what I feel, but I don't always know why. Perhaps it's a gift. Again, I'm not always sure it's one I am glad to have. It's just there.

Hope you all are having a great day today. More later.


neicybelle said...

oh kristi! what a great entry! how curse/blessing is the ability to see into people's circumstances more than what they show me...i can tell what people are thinking before they voice creeps people out...actually, i have to be careful what i say sometimes because it creeps people out so bad...i have been asked the question, "how did you know that?" more times than i can count...*shrugs* it can be good, but it can be bad...

i'm glad to hear you're feeling better. that was a very interesting entry..thank you!

Elliemarie said...

Very interesting post, Kristi. There is so much in this world that we don't yet understand and I believe that humans are capable transcending beyond what we are now. Perhaps your brain is more attuned with the world around you and the people in it, allowing you a deeper empathy and greater insight. It makes you unique, which is definitely a gift, even though it can be a trying gift.

Kristi K. said...

Neicy and Ellie,
Someone once asked me that if radio waves can be received by radio receivers, why can't some people be more likely to "receive" brain waves from other people? I think that was a very interesting question. I think it's highly probable.
One time I was listening to a lady talk about a back injury she incurred. I had only talked to her a few times prior to this conversation. As she talked, my back started hurting. The more she talked, the worse my back hurt, until I was almost nauseated. I had to leave the room. The human mind is still such a mystery, who knows what it is capable of? I myself would just as soon someone else have this "gift," since my understanding of it is very limited. :)