Thursday, April 20, 2006

One Part Reality Mixed with Two Parts Humor

I got this list in an email forward from a forward from a forward about a year ago. It never fails to make me laugh. So today I thought I'd pull it out, dust it off and post it. I think my favorites on the list are #1, #7, #26 and #27. Although I am sure #28 is absolutely true. :)

There are days I can't imagine laughing at anything. I don't like myself much those days. Without my sense of humor, which I credit Granddad for, I'd surely be tranquilized for my own safety some days. :)

My grandfather was so funny. He laughed in good times and in really crappy ones. About six years before he died, he started going blind from macular degeneration. I took him to the nearby V.A. center for treatment. They tried everything they could to slow the progression of the disease, but eventually he lost his sight entirely.

During one of the appointments, he and I were sitting in the doctor's office and the nurse came in.

She looked at us sitting side by side, and then commented, "Harry, you know, your daughter looks a lot like you. She has your eyes."

Without missing a beat, he looked at her with a sly grin. "Well," he quipped, "If my daughter has my eyes she'd better give 'em back, because I can't see out of these!"

Both the nurse and I cracked up laughing. Yet later, I sat there, shaking my head, amazed at a.) how quickly he came up with that comeback and b.) how easily he could laugh over something so serious. He was such an amazing man. My grandfather: the man who adopted me, parented me from the time I was a toddler, and became my friend in the process. I was 23 when he passed away, but he remains one of the most influential people in my life.

Ahhh. Memories.

Anyway, here's this list that I found so amusing I thought I'd share it with you. Hope you at least crack a grin. :)

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt...then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Have a good day all!

1 comment:

neicybelle said...

oh my word, kristi!! some of those had me laughing out loud!! thanks for the pick-me-up!

your grandpa sounds like an awesome guy.