Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

That's what I'm doing lately. I'm just taking each moment as it happens.

I think Mother's Day weekend was an exhausting mix of highs and lows. I'm busier than ever, so fatigue is a given, but I think emotionally I struggled this year to keep myself on track.

Last year I spent Mother's Day angry with Arlene for being the absentee mother that she always was. The woman who raised me had only been gone a few months, and I was freshly grieving. I was angry with Arlene for not seeing that I needed her to step in and be sane and sober long enough to offer me support. I wanted her to be a friend, if being a mother wasn't possible. She did neither.

This year, I fought off feelings of guilt and anger about the whole mess. It's the strangest feeling...someone dying that I spent so much of my time being angry with. It's a weird mixture of guilt and grief and regret that things didn't get better. I'm such an optimist that it bites me in the rear. I always believe people are going to change, they are going to get better, they are going to do the right thing. It makes for one depressed optimist sometimes. Is that an oxymoron?

We didn't get to see Rob's mom this weekend because she wasn't home when we went to drop off her gifts. She was gone for the weekend, but we did get a phone call later on thanking us for her gifts. When I was getting her gifts together, I was keenly aware of the fact that she was the only Mom left to buy for on either side.

Anyway, my daughter and husband went out of their way to make my Mother's Day weekend great. Even my little Jo showered me with hugs, kisses and gifts made at school.

Jess got me two cards, two dolls, and a keychain. The keychain has the saying, "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." I loved that. Rob took me out to dinner...just the two of us...Friday night. Then we went out to dinner as a family Sunday night. The only exception was Josh. For some reason he was crabby all day Sunday, and he didn't want to go with us. He didn't say "Happy Mother's Day," or give me a hug or even really acknowledge I exist.

It's a teenage boy thing, but I can't say it doesn't hurt nonetheless. A friend of mine who has both teenage boys and adult children said that all of her adult children called or did something for her on Mother's Day. Her teens barely looked her way that day. Teenage boys: can't live with 'em, can't tie 'em to a chair and force them to watch chick flicks until they show signs of sensitivity. Oh well.

The weather here is strange at best right now. Cold, rainy, and downright chilling. This and June is just a few weeks away. That was one of the down sides to the Mother's Day weekend.

Rob asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day, and I decided on socks and t-shirts. I must be getting older. I am thinking about practicality these days. I think "what do I really need and how much room do I have left in my house for stuff?" One of the t-shirts he bought me had a "mom" theme, so I am sure that ties in to the occasion just fine.

Rob has his tooth pulled today. Oh what fun! This week my planner is full of appointments. Wednesday and Thursday are dental appointments for Josh and Jess. Rob gets to take them to those. Wednesday and Friday the dogs have surgery follow up appointments. I'm in charge there. Next week is more dental and one medical appointment...and my boss leaves for Italy. She'll be gone about 2 weeks, so my job here will get seriously hectic.

I wonder if I can pencil in a nap somewhere? I'm getting tired just thinking about it!

On that note, I'm outta here. Have a good week! I'll try to post again soon.

1 comment:

neicybelle said...

honestly, if i could cancel mother's day...i would. between the grief of those who've lost their mothers, and those whose mothers should have never been mothers, and those who have lost children and those who can't have children...the grief that day brings is unbearable to me. i won't go to church on that day. i grit my teeth through it, then get on with my life on monday.

I'm sorry that that day was hard for you. Maybe, someday, we can make peace with that day.